People-Pleasing Parents: Long-Term Effects on Kids

Parenting is a challenging balancing act, requiring equal parts patience, empathy, and discipline. However, when parents fall into the trap of people-pleasing behaviors, prioritizing their children's happiness at the cost of boundaries or authenticity, it can have unintentional but detrimental effects on their kids. I’ve seen this dynamic play out not only in my observations of others’ parenting but also in my own life. Most recently, my youngest daughter’s plea for a puppy exposed just how complex this parenting challenge can be.

Despite my husband’s "no promises" rule, he casually told his daughter that she’d get a puppy when we moved to our new house. I knew immediately this was unlikely to happen, leaving me with the delicate role of bridging reality and expectation while preventing my daughter from feeling jaded by her father’s words. It’s a small example of people-pleasing tendencies that can take root in parents, but it made me wonder—how do these behaviors impact children long-term?

The reality is this: people-pleasing parents inadvertently instill unhealthy dynamics in their children. While the intention may be to avoid conflict or protect relationships, this pattern shapes self-esteem, emotional processing, and relational behaviors—often in ways that stunt the child's growth.

The Cost of External Validation

When parents prioritize pleasing their children over providing sincere guidance, they teach kids that external validation is the ultimate prize. Children quickly internalize the idea that their worth is tied to whether they can make others (including their parents) happy. According to research from Kathleen Schlegel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, “A parent’s happiness and/or approval becomes a priority over [the child’s] own thoughts or feelings.”

This emphasis on external approval often leads to a deep sense of inadequacy. Children grow up equating their value with how well they cater to the expectations of others, while their internal compass—a fundamental element of self-esteem—is left undeveloped. Later in life, these individuals may struggle to make decisions that prioritize their own needs, leading to cycles of burnout, dissatisfaction, and resentment in both personal and professional spaces.

Suppression of Authenticity

When parents prioritize pleasing their children to maintain harmony, something vital gets lost in the process—the child’s ability to express authentic emotions. Imagine a child suppressing their own experiences because they sense their parents’ discomfort with emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. Instead of fostering open emotional dialogue, the parent-child relationship shifts into a dynamic of emotional suppression.

Psychologist Erin Leonard, Ph.D.  illustrates this phenomenon in Psychology Today with a poignant story about a mother dismissing her child’s fear of a bee in traffic. The mother, assuming her child is “being a brat to frustrate her,” reacts with overt frustration and yells at the child. This response teaches the child to stifle their emotions to avoid being yelled at. A better approach would have been to start with a question, asking the child why they were screaming.

As a mom and a Jew, I’ve learned that asking questions is far more effective than making assumptions. It reminds me of the story when Hashem asked Cain what he had done to his brother Abel. Cain’s name in Hebrew means “to acquire” or “possess,” reflecting his tendency to hold things in, while Abel’s name means “breath” or “vapor,” something fleeting, like letting emotions out. Are we, as parents, acting more like Cain—making assumptions and keeping everything bottled up—or like Abel, asking questions and allowing emotions to flow freely?

By acting on assumptions, as Doctor Leonard explains, parents risk denying their child the opportunity to express their feelings. This can lead to the child suppressing their emotions, a habit that may persist into adulthood. Over time, this suppression can leave the child ill-equipped to recognize or prioritize their own feelings, potentially resulting in chronic people-pleasing or, ironically, narcissistic traits.

Modeling Poor Boundaries

One of the most significant issues people-pleasing parent model is the lack of healthy boundaries. When parents give in to their child’s every demand or try to shield them from every discomfort, they unknowingly showcase boundary-less behavior as normal. Children of these parents often fail to develop the skills needed to say "no," articulate their limits, or honor others’ boundaries later in life.

Morgan Levine, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in codependency, explains that children raised in such scenarios grow into adults who struggle with boundary-setting. They seek validation from others at the expense of their own well-being, perpetuating an unhealthy cycle in their relationships. Without boundaries, they’re left feeling drained, resentful, or undervalued by those they interact with, affecting both their personal and professional connections.

Addressing the Counterarguments

Some might argue that being overly kind or giving in to a child’s needs makes them happier and teaches them empathy. To an extent, this sentiment is understandable—children who feel loved and understood often grow into compassionate adults. However, there’s a fine line between nurturing empathy and creating a dependency on others’ approval.

Empathy thrives when balanced with self-worth and boundaries. A child who understands their own feelings and can articulate their needs will possess a deeper capacity for compassion because they know how to respect themselves and others. This isn’t something kids can learn when their emotional needs are consistently subordinated to their parents’ desire to please.

Breaking the Cycle

The good news? It’s possible to undo people-pleasing tendencies for both parents and their children. The first step is awareness. Parents need to examine their behaviors and assess whether they’re prioritizing harmony over authentic connection or enabling unhealthy dynamics.

From there, parents can implement practices like setting clear boundaries, creating safe emotional spaces for their kids, and reinforcing their unconditional love not through appeasement but through consistency. For example, when telling a child “no,” anchor them by validating their emotions—“I understand why you’re frustrated, but this decision is final”—rather than dodging the conflict altogether.

Additionally, seeking professional guidance can be invaluable, especially if people-pleasing behaviors are deeply ingrained. Experts like Morgan Levine suggest tools such as therapy and support groups to establish healthier patterns.

The Takeaway

People-pleasing parents don’t set out to harm their children—it’s usually the unintended consequence of good intentions or unresolved personal tendencies. However, the long-term effects on kids, from diminished self-esteem to a lack of authentic emotional expression, cannot be overlooked.

It’s time for parents caught in this cycle to ask themselves critical questions about how they approach their role. Are you creating a strong foundation of self-worth and healthy boundaries for your child? Or are you fostering dependency on external validation?

Parenting is complex and imperfect, but cultivating self-awareness and striving for balanced, authentic interactions can make all the difference. Remember, a child who sees their parent as a model of healthy emotional resilience and interpersonal boundaries will grow into a confident, self-assured adult. Now that’s a legacy worth leaving.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or clinical professional—just a mom sharing my insights and experiences. If you or your family are facing challenges, please consider reaching out to a qualified medical or mental health professional for support.